Dee V. Orce and Her Slutty Friend

The old hag Dee V. Orce has been paying some visits on a couple of my dear friends lately, and her slutty friend Adultery has been visiting said friends' husbands.  The past couple weeks have been a blur of Lifetime movie type situations and I have found myself in a real slump thinking about the pain my girlfriends are feeling.
First, I cannot even believe that in my late 20's, I am at the age where my friends should even be getting divorced.  I mean, I don't even think they have used the bread maker their great-uncle got them what seems like a couple years ago.  Part of me wants to shake my finger and say,"You shoulda worked harder, you shoulda gotten counseling, what's wrong with people these days?"  But the more practical part of me knows that in both cases, my girlfriends did do all those things and more.

One of these friends, named Amy, had a baby a month before Baby Bear was born.  When the babies were about six months, we had a girls night and Amy dropped a bombshell.  She had caught Chris having an affair twice.** The first time she discovered inappropriate Facebook conversations with a girl WHILE SHE WAS STILL PREGNANT.  That's right.  This woman is carrying this man's child, and he is flirting with girls on Facebook?  Ew.  When Amy confronted Chris, he gave some lame excuses like she didn't get up at the crack make his coffee in the morning or cook him breakfast.  So, to make him happy, pregnant Amy got up daily, after having had pregnancy insomnia all night, made coffee and choked back vomit as she made eggs for her very sympathetic husband.  Shortly after their baby was born, they went on a trip where Amy discovered again, Chris was talking to another girl.  This time she saw he had received a text from a girl she didn't know. Like any self respecting sleuth, she opened the text and read it.  She noticed he had been texting this girl all weekend long, and had been texting her that morning while he was holding his little baby daughter.  Sleazy?  I think yes.  When she confronted him about this one, she asked who the girl was and Chris replied, "Oh, just a girl I've been seeing."
Please scrape yourself up off the floor and continue reading.  It gets better, or worse.  Amy asked why he was doing this and Chris said, "Well, Amy, you've really let yourself go since you had the baby."  Please stop trying to find this man so you can punch him in the throat.  I have changed names to protect the guilty.
That about catches us up and brings us to present day and to the past week.  Last week while out of town at her parents house, Amy told me that she was probably not going to be coming back home.  Here is what I gathered from a sobbing, hysterical Amy on the phone:
Chris had been cheating on her for the past 6 months (which I knew).  Lately though, he had been extra nice and Amy thought they were on the mend.  He dropped her off at the airport telling her he loved her and would miss her terribly.  That night, Amy received a phone call from the police because neighbors had reported a break in at her house.  A man named Chris and a woman were trying to break a window to get in.  Amy informed police that she, her daughter, and her husband Chris were the only people that lived there and to please detain the woman.  When the officer tried to do just that, Chris had to tell him who the woman was and the officer got back on the phone and told Amy, "Uhhhhhh, ma'am, I'm really sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your husband says you're headed for divorce and this is his girlfriend."  Like I said, Lifetime movie material.
As Amy tried to contact Chris and ask what was going on, he refused to admit anything and kept saying he didn't know what she was talking about.  Later, he told her he had been miserable the whole time they were married and that he needed time to think.  "Needing time to think" was actually code for taking his girlfriend on a romantic ski weekend and not wanting to be bothered by his soon-to-be ex-wife.
This is where I came in.  Amy was worried their dog was left without food and water for the weekend and I could I please go check on it.  Of course I was going to go check on this precious dog.  I wouldn't have put it past Chris to do just that, he also happens to be cruel to animals.  (Why are we friends with this guy?... I keep asking as I write this).  When I arrived at the house, I was so nervous.  This being my first "spy on the cheating husband" gig and all.  I half expected either Chris to come out with a big gun in his tighty whiteys, the girlfriend in the background drinking a scotch and smoking in her lingerie, or for the police to come arrest me trying to break into their house/yard.  Luckily, none of the above happened, Chris wasn't home, he was indeed out of town with his girlfriend, but imagine my surprise when I saw the girlfriend's dog in the yard with Amy's.
Just to double check you're still with me, Amy is out of town with her infant daughter at her sister's baby shower, Chris has immediately started consorting with his girlfriend, bringing her back to his house to sleep in his and Amy's bed, he now is probably having sex with her on the ski slopes in some weird erotic snow fantasy and Slutbags McGee's dog is in Amy's yard.
I noticed there was no food and while I assumed someone was going to feed these poor animals, I took Amy's dog to our house and left the girlfriend's dog by itself.  I had to resist the urge to just take it off its tether and "leave" the gate open.  But it's not the dog's fault he's owned by a slut, so I didn't.  In the meantime, Amy was monitoring their joint bank account, and Chris was using their money to pay for a limo for his girlfriend to go to a concert and to pay for ski tickets and hotels.  He wasn't even trying to hide it.  His family was also simultaneously accusing Amy of being a horrible wife and blaming her for the fact Chris can't seem to keep his peepee in his pants.
Amy had to go get tested for STD's that weekend.  Who knows where this guy had been?  Still waiting for the results....
Chris told Amy the girl's name, which I think is so weird, but also very entertaining for Papa Bear and me, because Papa Bear is the ultimate Facebook Sherlock.  We have discovered that she is most likely using a made up name because it sounds something like Tatiana Amourr, she has an 8 year old kid (who's the father?), she changes her profile pictures every other day, and they are usually some sort of naked type photo.  Last but not least, she is a stripper.  The reason we think we know this is due to the following evidence:

Exhibit A

Notice implants and see through dress.  Notice 8 year son standing in front of see through dress.  Who wears a see through dress in front of your son?  A stripper.

Exhibit B
Her "likes" on Facebook include two strip clubs.  Who likes a strip club on Facebook?  A stripper.

Exhibit C
Papa Bear called the strip clubs to ask if a Tatiana Amourr worked there.  One only had an answering machine.  The other he received confirmation that a Tatiana did indeed work there, though they were not sure of the last name.  I'm fairly certain it's her.

Exhibit D
Chris is notorious for going to strip clubs-without his wedding ring (see footnote below)-and staying until 3 or 4 am.  He goes all.  the.  time.  Enough said.

In the meantime, Chris decided to write me an email and blame me for "feeding Amy information that she would use to take their daughter away" he also had to mention that he "loved us like family."  I am shaking with rage as I write this because I never once fed Amy anything about him even though I could have, and never once told her to divorce him even though I should have.  All I did was console a grieving friend.  Oh, and I did tell her about the slutdog.  I chose to take the high road and not even dignify the email with a response though I wish I could have written something like this:

Dear Chris,
I resent the implication that I have "fed" Amy any sort of information about you.  Every bit of ammunition she has to take your daughter away from you my friend, you have provided yourself.  Next time you decide to have an affair with a HOOKER, maybe you shouldn't leaving her freaking dog in the yard.  Or, maybe, you should remember your house keys, so you aren't caught breaking into your own home with your HOOKER girlfriend so you can have nasty sex in the bed you sleep in with your wife.
While you may love us like family, we think you're the devil, and therefore, are ever so grateful we are in no way related to you.
Rest assured, that by the time I am done, no one in this city will respect you, and every single person, down to the strippers at the Tiger Club you so often frequent will know you are a dog and wife abuser, and have a very rare form of herpes that causes extreme discharge that smells like a Big Mac.
Yours Truly,
Mama Bear

The most recent development is that these two star crossed lovers will probably get back together.  Chris's dad, who also happens to be a cheater and womanizer (shocker), also controls the purse strings.  I know in my heart of hearts he got ahold of Chris and told him under no circumstances would he pay for a divorce or child support.  So now, Chris is all apologies, flowers, promises.  Amy is "taking time to think" herself and hopefully seeking counseling.  I suggest a lobotomy if she is going to get back with this fool.
The thing is, though Amy is a dear friend, she is being so frustratingly dumb.  She has no self respect and I don't know if that is because of Chris or she was like that before him.  I know they have a daughter and so many people think it's worse to raise a child with no father.  But this little girl is going to be raised by a father who does not respect the mother, a mother who does not respect the father, and a father who is philandering with various women of certain occupations.  What do you want to bet she is the sorority, or even elementary school slut (they start so young these days) in the future?  Or, she will also have no self respect, and look for a man just like daddy who may be charismatic, "religious," and very good looking, but behind closed doors he's a real a-hole.  Either way, she is being set up to have a skewed sense of men already at the young age of 10 months.
Amy asked if I was disappointed in her, and yes, I am.  I am disappointed that she is putting her borken heart first, and not thinking about her daughter.  I am disappointed that a lying bully is going to keep this woman under his thumb, and I know he isn't going to quit screwing other women.  Though maybe now, he will just hide it better.  Most of all, I am disappointed that she doesn't value herself enough to realize she doesn't deserve to be treated this way.  That flowers and promises are just that, flowers and promises.  They aren't going to bring him home at night or make him love her despite her "baby weight."
'Tis a dark time for my friends, and I just wonder how many more of these wild stories I will hear before I'm 30.  The moral of the story, folks, is don't forget your house keys when bringing your mistress home, don't leave your mistress' dog in the yard for all to see, and use cash when paying for a hotel room when you're having an affair.  Had he done all that, Amy would have never known, and everyone would have continued peacefully on their way.

**Chris has had various affairs throughout their marriage.  Apparently, he had one while they were engaged, when they were first married and Amy hadn't moved to their relocation city yet, and he never came back to their hotel room on their wedding night.  All of the above I cannot necessarily prove since it was before we knew them.  The following Papa Bear has seen with his own eyes:  Chris repeatedly removes his wedding ring to go out with the boys.  This even occurs if it is merely an innocent dinner.  At Papa Bear's bachelor party is where this first occurred.  Papa Bear is a very laid back man, and his bachelor party consisted of a baseball game, some historical tour of a haunted house or something, and some good dinners.  Chris ended up going to a strip club, without said wedding ring (in fact, I think the ring was missing most of the weekend), and coming home goodness knows when.  There are various accounts of him flirting and/or going out with waitresses at a certain restaurant in town as well.  In Papa Bear's defense, he quit hanging out with Chris long ago because he made him uncomfortable.

Have a fabulous day!  And if you see Dee and her friend Adultery, turn and run, run the other way as fast as you can.